o god!

there come times in life wen ur faith in everything seems to be shattered ..a couple of days  back i experienced something of the sort..it brings out the skewed mentality i thought and liked to believe i was incapable of possessing,wen i get dirty looks i give it back and now really people really back off before trying to mess around wid me..a devil in me which i never knew existed surfaces from time to time.what hurt was not that people were busy back-stabbing me or that people were newly strategic and scheming,we’re all smart some more than others,and ive always been the kinds wid the devil may care attitude,but wot hurt was that circumstances made me look awkward in front of those very cowards and theirs wrongs seemed to go un-noticed and i was like getting penalized for just standing up for myself and my folks .but in the end all’s well that ends well and in life thats always the case.my heart is content and at peace,i got my parting gift.:)

My version of how I met my co-Blogger

Me: So, is that really your real name, or just a pet name that you publicize?

Her: Naah, that’s just it.

Her (thought): IITian! my name is my name.hilarious u asked though.

Me (thought): Dammit, perfect. Now she’s never gonna go out with you! Whoever let her parents name her!

Some pointless conversations ensue. And then,

Her: So, you smoke?

Her (thought): I so hope he does,hopefully i’d get to interact with atleast one more interesting person and make this trip more worthwhile.

Me: No. Actually, i have this weird aversion to smokers and drinkers. Just develop this instant dislike for them. Dunno.

Me (thought): Now she’s totally gone.

Her: Oh. Okay then. Cya!

–

Later, the next night, as i walked past the Admin block, i can make out two familiar figures, heading in the other direction (thus, walking toward me).

Me (thought): Why the heck is that other girl with her? Shoo girl, shoo!

Girl won’t shoo. Obviously.

Me (thought): Think of something…Quick !

Too close to not say anything.

Me (looking at the other lady): So, you ladies collected your certificates?

Other lady: Blah Blah

Me: Blah Blah

Me (thinking): Why can’t you bring yourself to look at her, nut! Look, 10 degrees to the West, turn cadet!

Me and Other lady: Blah Blah.

Me: Anyway, hope you guys had fun here. Have a nice trip back!

–

Over the phone, some days later. The visiting delegates had returned to where they’d come from.

Her: Nut, couldn’t you just ask me out?…no,i dint say that….i jus said we could have talked more and it’d have been nice..

Me: Nut, couldn’t you just ask me out?

Her: Because…(supposed to be understood)

Me: Why’s the guy always gotta do the hard stuff ?! I can’t tolerate this hypocricy! First, you say that girls and guys must be treated equally. And then this !

Her: Laugh.

Me: Laugh. (Aargh !)

–

Exaggerated Memories. August 2008.

PS. I know better pick-up lines. But it wasn’t my fault. Her name really is silly. I so totally won’t let her name her children. No !

well i would definitely name my children..hehhe

i thought

i really thought it wold never end..

i thought i would never let go..

i tink now i have..you are now a memory in my dream world.

i really thought i’d never let go

i thought i’d hold on

i thought i’d hold on

i thought such nice things

i literally did all i could and i gave up the fear i had

i really thought u’d stay

i thought i could make u stay

i thought of so many things

of the things i would say

things i would say to you to make u believe that it was right

i thought u’d believe me

i thought u’d say it

i thought we’d go places

i thought we’ll end  together

i thought we’ll end it together

why did u take all the steps u took’

why dint u wait for me

i was not blaming you

i was telling you something

but you just moved away

i know its not your fault

but don blame

don hurt me

i thought i could let go

i thought u’d hold on

may be my way was not right

but there was no way you showed me

i thought the songs would tell you that i’m still here

i thought u’d not let go

i thought u’d stay
i thought u’d show me the path

i thought u’d make me stay

TemptatiOns

well its sure a good chocolate! and a rather expensive one too!

i don like chocolates but they do something to the already ignited senses;)don ask me about the whole chocolate thing.coz somethings are best left to imagination !!

i thought somethings and people could only make me laugh but some others can make me do a lot more…  make me open up after having lived in hibernation and in a safe comfy coocoon of silence .

silence is definitely comforting .its the best way of hiding secrets and mistakes and regrets and thus you can save yourself from being  in a lot of doubt of havin to pay for revealing ur sweet lil follies .ouch! O.U.C.H. it hurts wen people say double meaning sentences thinking they cannot be understood or when you do not have an answer to simple questions in life or when the whole world except you is convinced of something bang opposite of what u believe in.

its painful to count the number of friends you lose over time because they  wARned you of the dangers lurking behind your irresponsible actions and it hurts when friends leave when they are tired of seeing you fall again and again and to see you rise again only to see you stumble on the same path on those same roadblocks yet again.

facing the truth after a long sustained period of confusion ,doubt ,denial and daydreams is like moving out of thick fog to an unexpected fury of the blazing sun.

good things though: i realized i loved the movie hatari although I was very nervous that i might not.

i am in love with the pepper chicken and hope to learn how to make it!

glad to realize that i remember that i am enrolled in a college and three and a half years down the line i still feel like becoming a lawyer might just be a good idea.thoughts of studying further have been put on hold .think makin a lil bit of money before that is not a bad idea.

travelling is getting to interest me more and more.believe it or not im becoming even more intolerant of injustice.one thing i can never stand.recently saw a rather angelic baby girl on the road.the desire to be able to drive effortlessly is beginning to resurface.have started to finally enjoy a lil bit of music.opening up to people and talkin is fun again.am back to innocent small things in life.goin totally mad about watchin movies.may be after all,girls are not all that bad and boys can bitch too!big groups and big fun.still,a lot of reconstruction remains to be done.whether or not i will succeed is still a big BIG question.its always good to have good company around .always wanted that partner in crime.don think i can do without madness in life.taking chances is fun,taking responsibility is not so much fun.leaning used to be ok  BUT now that there’s no shoulder -to-cry/lean on..either I fall or look for a strong eligible shoulder!!*wink*.

carefree joys of childhood

we stood there candidly chattering,celebrating the success of our team.all cigarettes lit,the jovial banter that doesn’t need a topic,we kept talkin,savorin d success,the beads of sweat on our foreheads could not spoil d mood,the glazin sun shone brightly overhead and we stood there,”chillin”,occasions such as these are rarer than ever.when d mind is not in overdrive and yet its not numbin peace,after a long time i relived those carefree joys of childhood.the jokes were sadder than ever.we discussed all possible ways of damage control in  case someone caught us smokin though we knew that would not happen.my momma told me it’s the best form of protection had us all in splits.one led to another n the laughs jus kept gettin louder.a laugh causin another and then the whole bunch in splits is one feeling more encompassing,satisfyin and juvenile than any other.the college life will come to an end for some of us v soon and i sit here now ,recollecting those precious moments coz innocence lik this is hard to find. lik beads in a broken necklace we’ll all scatter after the end of college.each to his own.perhaps causin cheer and laughter anywhere we go just that we would not be together

can you say “no” ?

she was a delicate woman,fragile with long hair and a beautiful face..
her smile was innocent,her enthusiasm obvious

she was cleaning the floor in an internet cafe.
she was 14
she was getting married at the end of this month

i’m a law student and a woman but that has got nothing to do with it.i am no one to judge wot makes her happy.may be it’s best for her.but,has she been given any option to choose otherwise.
wot kind of a world do we live in.
i know child labor is not only impractical to ban,but also arbitrary,at least she’s earnin her food.but is that all.does food become the beginning and end of a poor man’s life?
i think.
if at all,our country could provide education for all,may be there would be independence in true sense
i read in my fav book ,a question that still sends ripples down my spine
the question was “are you free?”
you are,if you can say no..if you have the freedom to say “no” then you are free and that’s all the freedom you need.
i think education alone gives us that freedom.freedom of choice,freedom to be able to say “no”

if you know of any other way then I’d love to know.

jus a passin thought

what is your driving force?
what’s your ambition.
you are workin hard.toilin each day until it turns into a long sleepless night
burning d midnight oil and staying awake till d dawn of light.

but ,wait,hold on.stop

why are u doin this?
what’s on your mind?
what are you looking for?

gains.mental or physical?
peace?
material gains..jus so that life is comfortable all through..so indirectly the whole life is spent workin(read :in discomfort) for an eventual comfort

to maintain the same “standard of living “or higher than wot ur parents could provide
and pay them back for their love and affection and take care of them like they did for you since u were born and after they die, to provide for your kids,till they grow up and provide for you.
is life then not a vicious circle of duties and reproduction and a certain love for kith and kin

you might live for power and prestige .

might live for the sake of it

or for knowledge
or living a hedonistic life.a pre-paid holiday on earth?

wot’s the cause of your life?wot’s the reason of your existence?
i heard a certain someone tell me,the reason for his success..that success aimed to achieve a higher end,a desire to help.a simple desire to help.
not many are born with a dynamite for a mind,and those who do should choose to leave a legacy,a memory of their ideals behind.
evil or saintly,strong ideals are worth a chord to strike, with the mortals who exist not live,give them a reason,a zeal to thrive.
that one,chose to use his fortune of thoughts to buy d freedom that’s hard to find ,and through that freedom, help a few attain a better life.
a life you touch is a life granted, coz an aimless life is worse than death.
if u think u have it in you, then leave ur aura behind

haunted

i realize my mind is haunted. i realize i have to (i will) exorcise “the demon” once in for all or (i don wanna admit ) i shall live with it forever.

“line 1 of an earlier blog read i’ve lived with demons of the mind.”

an untimely bond wrapped my mind in d illusion that it would last forever and i lived that dream ,the only glitch was that i never completely woke up after the dream ended and my brain shut that dream in its closest chamber,holdin on to it as tightly as possible.never showing it to the ouside world coz it was considered so pure that even an outside glimpse could taint it.it was not left open to interpretation for anyone else,not even for me to re-interpet and re-analyze.it was accepted as a part of me.a part of me died with the end of that dream and, the dream ,the bond got etched and carved with the shaprest blade in the delicate brain as a scene in d play of life.from the rise of the curtain till the fall,except the curtains never did fall for me ,until now.now i hope they will fall,finally and my demon will finally be exorcised with my brain opening its secret chamber to let go of that dream or the grave of the dream though that part of the brain will stink of that morbid death stench for years to come .

almost 3 and a half years i cherished this dream bond as a part of me,we (the demon n i )lived as inseparables..it kept livin off me,my heart,my body,my mind and my soul..biting relentlessly,slowly but steadily and i was controlled,invariably changing,mouldin myself to accomodate the demon..i kept changin..almost forgot wot i was and derived happiness from this change..a happiness derived from the pain ,my own pain.

and now i stop..look back..now we’re fightin.i accept that it’s no dream bond..no love forever.i need to fight and separate from this “bond” forever ,for good.

P.S. heartfelt gratitude to “another” for jus one offhanded comment that made me realize that there could be another point of view to something i cherished as a bond-until-death while it actually was jus a passing phase,anothet step to growth,never so important and an untimely mistake ..a delinquent teenager’s play with fate.

 

i could have been a 17 year old’s stupid mistake.i dint think so.

i stand corrected.

 

 

i stand corrected.

my latest encounter with god

this is one of those writings which comprises of the remnants of the thoughts that crossed my mind while riding at a jeopardous speed on the Pune-Mumbai Expressway, riding with a friend whom i can trust with my life, a friend who i would lose or withhold with the way the conversation turned out at the end of this chancy long ride one o those lil things which mean a world and the memories of which last a lifetime one of those supernatural experiences (a bike ride at a precarious speed,an adrenaline rush..love..passion..trust..conflict..devotion…wanting..craving..desire..hope and all o this combined with the sensation of rough cold wind brushing past(bruising ur face,tangling ur hair..teasing u..leaving u feelin tired..n wantin. ) u find urself prayin..n living for the moment and lettin go this is a vague feeling,uneartly,divine..one of those moments where u can feel the presence of god around you,near you and inside you,a feeling of being blessed.. and a vague conversation where you communicate with the other person through words (spoken and unspkoen),through touch,through eyes,through vibes,through instinct,through that divine prsence and u feel an aura around you,a halo that only the two of u can see. when ur entranced by this conversation and the nearness with that person andthat darkness of the night is when god makes his ‘blink n miss’ appearance,its in this state of enchantment that u can say u felt the presence of god around u ..and blinked jus when u thought u saw him..that’s when u know ur blessed by the presence of that person in ur life,and u are in love with that feeling,that bliss the air smells of roses again,the world has not lost all its beauty..the remote strand of green is still a hope in a vast endless desert….problems still evaporate with the whiff of fresh air…conversations still lead to retained and renewed friendship… meet.silence.dope.love.pause.where do u wanna go?anywhere..ride.ccd..nope..ride till u ask me to stop.temple.purity.fresh air..cold wind brushin past my face,bruising it,past my hair,tanglin it,i lean forward.rest.lean back.distance…hope..punishment.redemption. a belief in purity..an imagination children playin in d fields…meadows..cow bells..randomly strewn modern buildings in the middle of the most rustic settin..a contradiction called India..where the racing bike,cycle rickshaw and bullock cart all stop at the same traffic signal..the slums runnin parallel to the skyscrapers..where one wears gucci and another a lungi..i hate it,feel bad,pity it..o how i love it…my land ..my country..the roads covered time by cow dung and mud..washed by the first monsoon rain..the smell of earth after the rain..the children…rich n poor… we can feel all the selflessness which is the opposite of hate,and lust and greed and manipulation which is the opposite of love..(this is major plagiarism at work..lol) …this was one of those soul stirring moments where u know all’s not lost,that love still makes the world go around ,a hope in purity,in love,in beauty…an encounter with god..