haunted

i realize my mind is haunted. i realize i have to (i will) exorcise “the demon” once in for all or (i don wanna admit ) i shall live with it forever.

“line 1 of an earlier blog read i’ve lived with demons of the mind.”

an untimely bond wrapped my mind in d illusion that it would last forever and i lived that dream ,the only glitch was that i never completely woke up after the dream ended and my brain shut that dream in its closest chamber,holdin on to it as tightly as possible.never showing it to the ouside world coz it was considered so pure that even an outside glimpse could taint it.it was not left open to interpretation for anyone else,not even for me to re-interpet and re-analyze.it was accepted as a part of me.a part of me died with the end of that dream and, the dream ,the bond got etched and carved with the shaprest blade in the delicate brain as a scene in d play of life.from the rise of the curtain till the fall,except the curtains never did fall for me ,until now.now i hope they will fall,finally and my demon will finally be exorcised with my brain opening its secret chamber to let go of that dream or the grave of the dream though that part of the brain will stink of that morbid death stench for years to come .

almost 3 and a half years i cherished this dream bond as a part of me,we (the demon n i )lived as inseparables..it kept livin off me,my heart,my body,my mind and my soul..biting relentlessly,slowly but steadily and i was controlled,invariably changing,mouldin myself to accomodate the demon..i kept changin..almost forgot wot i was and derived happiness from this change..a happiness derived from the pain ,my own pain.

and now i stop..look back..now we’re fightin.i accept that it’s no dream bond..no love forever.i need to fight and separate from this “bond” forever ,for good.

P.S. heartfelt gratitude to “another” for jus one offhanded comment that made me realize that there could be another point of view to something i cherished as a bond-until-death while it actually was jus a passing phase,anothet step to growth,never so important and an untimely mistake ..a delinquent teenager’s play with fate.

 

i could have been a 17 year old’s stupid mistake.i dint think so.

i stand corrected.

 

 

i stand corrected.

my latest encounter with god

this is one of those writings which comprises of the remnants of the thoughts that crossed my mind while riding at a jeopardous speed on the Pune-Mumbai Expressway, riding with a friend whom i can trust with my life, a friend who i would lose or withhold with the way the conversation turned out at the end of this chancy long ride one o those lil things which mean a world and the memories of which last a lifetime one of those supernatural experiences (a bike ride at a precarious speed,an adrenaline rush..love..passion..trust..conflict..devotion…wanting..craving..desire..hope and all o this combined with the sensation of rough cold wind brushing past(bruising ur face,tangling ur hair..teasing u..leaving u feelin tired..n wantin. ) u find urself prayin..n living for the moment and lettin go this is a vague feeling,uneartly,divine..one of those moments where u can feel the presence of god around you,near you and inside you,a feeling of being blessed.. and a vague conversation where you communicate with the other person through words (spoken and unspkoen),through touch,through eyes,through vibes,through instinct,through that divine prsence and u feel an aura around you,a halo that only the two of u can see. when ur entranced by this conversation and the nearness with that person andthat darkness of the night is when god makes his ‘blink n miss’ appearance,its in this state of enchantment that u can say u felt the presence of god around u ..and blinked jus when u thought u saw him..that’s when u know ur blessed by the presence of that person in ur life,and u are in love with that feeling,that bliss the air smells of roses again,the world has not lost all its beauty..the remote strand of green is still a hope in a vast endless desert….problems still evaporate with the whiff of fresh air…conversations still lead to retained and renewed friendship… meet.silence.dope.love.pause.where do u wanna go?anywhere..ride.ccd..nope..ride till u ask me to stop.temple.purity.fresh air..cold wind brushin past my face,bruising it,past my hair,tanglin it,i lean forward.rest.lean back.distance…hope..punishment.redemption. a belief in purity..an imagination children playin in d fields…meadows..cow bells..randomly strewn modern buildings in the middle of the most rustic settin..a contradiction called India..where the racing bike,cycle rickshaw and bullock cart all stop at the same traffic signal..the slums runnin parallel to the skyscrapers..where one wears gucci and another a lungi..i hate it,feel bad,pity it..o how i love it…my land ..my country..the roads covered time by cow dung and mud..washed by the first monsoon rain..the smell of earth after the rain..the children…rich n poor… we can feel all the selflessness which is the opposite of hate,and lust and greed and manipulation which is the opposite of love..(this is major plagiarism at work..lol) …this was one of those soul stirring moments where u know all’s not lost,that love still makes the world go around ,a hope in purity,in love,in beauty…an encounter with god..